Nice to Meet You, I’m Wimbledon

By Miguel Guerra

It always gets to me how a tennis tournament can punish people for wearing a slight shade of orange.

How every female player is a Mrs. or Miss, but no male player is a Mr.

How the new world #1 won’t be able to play it or how the defending champion will lose his points even if he wins it.

Nice to meet you. I’m Wimbledon. Here’s a little bit about me.

I’m a Grand Slam tournament, so I’m bound to be stupid and make terrible decisions. 

Remember when me and my three amigos — the U.S. Open, the Australian Open and Roland-Garros — basically trashed a twenty year old because she wouldn’t do press? Man, that was crazy. 

Remember when I uploaded a controversial vintage poster on my Twitter account that featured a semi naked 18-year-old and had to apologize after?

Remember when I was the last major to offer equal prize money to women?

To me, these issues are nothing compared to an orange shoe. Sorry, GOAT, but that was simply too orange. Off with your soles.

Photo: Bleacher Report

Honestly, let’s see this situation through my lenses, a western, elitist, posh tournament. 

How will *I* look when I have Medvedev or Ms. Sabalenka hitting tennis balls against our more democratic, civilized players, with this insane attack of democracy and world peace from their leader, simply due to the pride and ego of a sadistic asshole who refuses to adapt to the civilized way of the EU, destroying an innocent small country! 

Oops, I do apologize. What I meant to say is: “We remain unwilling to accept success or participation at Wimbledon being used to benefit the propaganda machine of the Russian regime”. Thank you.

I don’t exactly know when I became this… intense? I’m, like, super intense. I hate colors on clothes and let’s be honest, I don’t even like people. I can’t even make proper highlights of my own matches, that’s how much I like to watch people suffer. Sometimes I tease them by uploading highlights, watching the fans’ eyes get big, then laughing as they discover the videos are two minutes long, thirty seconds of which is just the players walking on court.

Then again, I’m the only tournament with the proper grass courts, right? That should give me special privileges. Ever watched Halle? That’s some poopy grass! So yeah, I get away with dumb stuff. Always and always. I can do anything and people will still watch me, because despite being an asshole, I’m awesome and I simply look amazing on TV.

So yeah. I’m not particularly making any sense. Why do I think Andrey Rublev represents Putin? He wrote “no war please” on a camera a while ago, so I guess I have to blame it on his nationality. I like the craziness of Medvedev, but his game is so ugly, we won’t miss him. I think Karatsev may be a spy.

I’ve never done something this crazy before — banning players — so I am even surprising myself. Livin’ la vida loca. I didn’t even ban Americans when they invaded Iraq. Did you know almost 30 thousand Iraqi civilians were killed in 2006 alone? But how’s that my problem? Britain was there, remember? So I’m pretty sure we were on the right side. Banning American players would remove six American Wimbledon champions from 2003-2011, not to mention that 2009 final with Roddick. I’d have to be CRAZY to do something like that!

See you in a few weeks!

P.S. If you call me an exhibition, I will ban you as well. No one is safe.

Enjoy the strawberries!

xoxo,

Wimbledon

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